Deciding Whom to Marry
(And What To Do Until Then)

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President Spencer W. Kimball
The Importance of Deciding to Seek Marriage
Ensign, February 1975, p.2

May we talk of marriage and your life in total?  Marriage is a vital part of life.  The Lord has said:

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24.)  And then he carried forward, saying further:  “… Multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it. …” (Gen. 1:28.)  Accordingly, the program for every normal man and every normal woman is laid out for them.  And it is expected by the Lord that every normal man and woman will find a companion and have a marriage in which they and their children will live in joy and happiness.

Recently I met a young returned missionary who is 35 years old.  He had been home from his mission for 14 years and yet he was little concerned about his bachelorhood, and laughed about it.

I shall feel sorry for this young man when the day comes that he faces the Great Judge at the throne and when the Lord asks this boy: “Where is your wife?”  All of his excuses which he gave to his fellows on earth will seem very light and senseless when he answers the Judge. “ I was very busy,” or “I felt I should get my education first,” or “I did not find the right girl”—such answers will be hollow and of little avail.  He knew he was commanded to find a wife and marry her and make her happy.  He knew it was his duty to become the father of children and provide a rich, full life for them as they grew up.  He knew all this, yet postponed his responsibility.  So we say to all youth regardless of what country is your home, and regardless of the customs in your country, your Heavenly Father expects you to marry for eternity and rear a good, strong family.

The Lord planned that men and women would find each other and have a happy family relationship, be true to each other, and remain clean and worthy.  ...  It was never intended by the Lord that a large portion of one’s life should be spent in the unmarried state. At a reasonable time in life it was intended that each young man should find that young woman who is best for him, and she should find the young man who would be her best companion. Long-delayed marriages are certainly not approved of the Lord.

Pres. Joseph Fielding Smith
The Choice of a Spouse Must Be Carefully Considered
Doctrines of Salvation, Vol. 2,  pp. 78-79
 

This life is short, and eternity is long. When we contemplate that the marriage covenant will endure forever, it is well that it should be given careful consideration. Hasty action in this most important step in life may fill the mortal lives of husband, wife, and children with endless sorrow. The results may and often do reach into eternity and cause irreparable regrets that will endure forever. Marriage, from the viewpoint of the Latter-day Saint, is the one thing in life where it might prove fatal to act in haste with the idea in mind that repentance could come at leisure.

The proper advice to our youth is to consider carefully with the view of choosing well a companion with an abiding faith in the gospel. Such a person is more likely to prove true to every vow and covenant. When the young man and the young woman are thoroughly grounded in the divine mission of our Lord and believe the gospel as revealed through Joseph Smith, the Prophet, the chances are all in favor of a happy union that will endure forever.

How do you choose a wife? I've heard a lot of young people from Brigham Young University and elsewhere say, "I've got to get a feeling of inspiration. I've got to get some revelation. I've got to fast and pray and get the Lord to manifest to me whom I should marry." Well, maybe it will be a little shock to you, but never in my life did I ever ask the Lord whom I ought to marry. It never occurred to me to ask him. I went out and found the girl I wanted; she suited me; I evaluated and weighed the proposition, and it just seemed a hundred percent to me as though this ought to be. Now, if I'd done things perfectly, I'd have done some counseling with the Lord, which I didn't do; but all I did was pray to the Lord and ask for some guidance and direction in connection with the decision that I'd reached. A more perfect thing to have done would have been to counsel with him relative to the decision and get a spiritual confirmation that the conclusion, which I by my agency and faculties had arrived at, was the right one.

While I am sure some young couples have some special guidance in getting together, I do not believe in predestined love.  If you desire the inspiration of the Lord in this crucial decision, you must live the standards of the Church, and you must pray constantly for the wisdom to recognize those qualities upon which a successful union may be based.  You must do the choosing, rather than seek for some one-and-only so-called soul mate, chosen for you by someone else and waiting for you.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks
A True Revelation on the Choice of a Spouse Will Still Require Two Witnesses
Speeches of the Year, "Revelation," 1981, p. 25

I have heard of cases where a young man told a young woman she should marry him because he had received a revelation that she was to be his eternal companion. If this is a true revelation, it will be confirmed directly to the woman if she seeks to know. In the meantime, she is under no obligation to heed it. She should seek her own guidance and make up her own mind. The man can receive revelation to guide his own actions, but he cannot properly receive revelation to direct hers. She is outside his stewardship.

The Spirit of the Lord is not likely to give us revelations on matters that are trivial. I once heard a young woman in a testimony meeting praise the spirituality of her husband, indicating that he submitted every question to the Lord. She told how he accompanied her shopping and would not even choose between different brands of canned vegetables without making his selection a matter of prayer. That strikes me as improper. I believe the Lord expects us to use the intelligence and experience he has given us to make these kinds of choices. ...

I suggest that there is not a right and wrong to every question. To many questions, there are only two wrong answers or two right answers. Thus, a person who seeks guidance on which of two different ways he should pursue to get even with a person who has wronged him is not likely to receive a revelation. Neither is a person who seeks guidance on a choice he will never have to make because some future event will intervene, such as a third alternative that is clearly preferable ... No answer is likely to come to a person who seeks guidance in choosing between two alternatives that are equally acceptable to the Lord. Thus, there are times when we can serve productively in two different fields of labor. Either answer is right.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks 
Three Tests of a True Revelation
The Lord's Way, pp.45-76

There are at least three tests that reason can apply as a threshold check on the authenticity of revelation. True revelation will pass all three of these tests, and spurious revelation (whose source is "of men" or "of devils") will fail at least one of them. 

1. True revelation will edify the recipient. It must therefore be in words that are coherent or in a feeling whose message can be understood by one who is spiritually receptive. ...

2. The content of a true revelation must be consistent with the position and responsibilities of the person who receives it. ... Those selected by the Lord to exercise this gift would "come in at the gate and be ordained as I have told you before" (D&C 43:7)-- thus excluding the possibility of secret callings or appointments to receive revelation. ... One of the surest evidences of false revelations (those based on mortal authorship or devilish intervention) is that their content, judged according to reason, is communicated through channels other than those the Lord has prescribed for that subject. 

3. True revelation must be consistent with the principles of the gospel as revealed in the scriptures and the teachings of the prophets. The Lord will not give revelations that will contradict the principles of the gospel. His house is a house of order.

Revelations may add to the body of existing gospel knowledge ("line upon line, precept upon precept" - D&C 98:12), guide leaders in the duties of their callings, or assist individual members in applying gospel principles to particular circumstances. ...

The test of edification as a way of screening out spurious and deceptive revelations from Satan was reaffirmed in a succeeding revelation to the Prophet Joseph Smith (D&C 52:14-18.)

This revelation also specifies the related tests of prayerfulness, contrite spirit, meek language, compliance with gospel ordinances, and refraining from being physically "overcome." ...

Elder Richard G. Scott
Proceeding in the Absence of an Answer to Prayer
Conference Report, April 2007, pp.8-11

What do you do when you have prepared carefully, have prayed fervently, waited a reasonable time for a response, and still do not feel an answer? You may want to express thanks when that occurs, for it is an evidence of His trust.

When you are living worthily and your choice is consistent with the Savior’s teachings and you need to act, proceed with trust. ... When you are living righteously and are acting with trust, God will not let you proceed too far without a warning impression if you have made the wrong decision.

President Ezra Taft Benson
Words of Counsel to Those Waiting for the "Right" Person
(Note: Although addressed to the single women of the Church, these
wise words are for the most part equally applicable to single men)
Ensign, November 1988, p.96

... [Never] lose sight of this sacred goal.  Prayerfully prepare for it and live for it. ...  Therefore, don't trifle away your happiness by involvement with someone who cannot take you worthily to the temple.  Make a decision now that this is the place where you will marry.  To leave that decision until a romantic involvement develops is to take a risk the importance of which you cannot now fully calculate.

And remember, you are not required to lower your standards in order to get a mate.  Keep yourselves attractive, maintain high standards, maintain your self-respect.  Do not engage in intimacies that bring heartache and sorrow.  Place yourselves in a position to meet worthy men and be engaged in constructive activities.

But also, do not expect perfection in your choice of a mate.  Do not be so concerned about his physical appearance and his bank account that you overlook his more important qualities.  Of course, he should be attractive to you, and he should be able to financially provide for you.  But, does he have a strong testimony? Does he live the principles of the gospel and magnify his priesthood?  Is he active in his ward and stake?  Does he love home and family, and will he be a faithful husband and a good father?  These are qualities that really matter.

And I would also caution you single sisters not to become so independent and self-reliant that you decide marriage isn't worth it and you can do just as well on your own.  Some of our sisters indicate that they do not want to consider marriage until after they have completed their degrees or pursued a career.  This is not right. Certainly we want our single sisters to maximize their individual potential, to be well educated, and to do well at their present employment.  You have much to contribute to society, to your community, and to your neighborhood.  But we earnestly pray that our single sisters will desire honorable marriage in the temple to a worthy man and rear a righteous family, even though this may mean the sacrificing of degrees and careers.  Our priorities are right when we realize there is no higher calling than to be an honorable wife and mother.

I also recognize that not all women in the Church will have an opportunity for marriage and motherhood in mortality.  But if those of you in this situation are worthy and endure faithfully, you can be assured of all blessings from a kind and loving Heavenly Father--and I emphasize all blessings.

I assure you that if you have to wait even until the next life to be blessed with a choice companion, God will surely compensate you.  Time is numbered only to man. God has your eternal perspective in mind. ...

Now, to all ... regardless of your present situations:

Be faithful.  Keep the commandments.  Establish a deep and abiding relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. Know that He is there--always there.  Reach out to Him.  He does answer prayers.  He does bring peace.  He does give hope.  In the words of the Psalmist: "He is my refuge and my fortress: . . . in him will I trust." (Psalms 91:2)  Study carefully the life of the Savior.  He is our great exemplar.

Make the scriptures your constant companion.  Read daily from the Book of Mormon and receive of its strength and spiritual power.

Realize your personal self-worth.  Never demean yourself.  Realize the strength of your inner self and that, with God's help, you "can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth [you]." (Philippians 4:1)  Life does not begin only upon marriage.  There are important things for you to do right now.

Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley
Counsel to Single Sisters
Conference Report, October 1983

Now, a word to you who have not married. It would be a beautiful world if every girl had the privilege of marriage to a good man whom she could look upon with pride and gladness as her companion in time and eternity, hers alone to love and cherish, to respect and help.

But it does not always work out that way. There are some who, for reasons unexplainable, do not have the opportunity of marriage. To you I should like to say, don’t spend your time and wear out your lives wandering about in the wasteland of self-pity. God has given you talents of one kind or another. He has given you the capacity to serve the needs of others and bless their lives with your kindness and concern. Reach out to someone in need. There are so very many out there.

Add knowledge to knowledge. Refine your mind and skills in a chosen field of discipline. There are tremendous opportunities for you if you are prepared to take advantage of them. Nearly all of the honorable vocations of life are now open to women. Do not feel that because you are single God has forsaken you. The world needs you. The Church needs you. So very many people and causes need your strength and wisdom and talents.

Be prayerful, and do not lose hope. But do not become obsessed with ambition to find a companion. Your obsession likely will only make you less attractive, or it may cause a weakening of your standards. Live the very best life of which you are capable, and the Lord in his greater wisdom and in his eternal season will give you answer to your prayers.

President Ezra Taft Benson
Determining the "Right" Person
Conference Report, April 1988

[One] good yardstick as to whether a person might be the right one for you is this:  In [his/her] presence do you think your noblest thoughts, do you aspire to your finest deeds, do you wish you were better than you are?

President Spencer W. Kimball
Seek Someone Who Will Instill Growth
Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p.303

[Find] a person that will stimulate you, one that will keep you on your toes, that will make you be bigger than you are--never anyone that will let you relax. … Sister Kimball kept me growing and never let me be satisfied with mediocrity.

Go all over the Church if you need to, to find the girl that is better than you are. The first time if she measures up, invite her again. If she measures up again, you are old enough to go steady!

Pres. Joseph Fielding Smith
Single Sisters Will Receive All Blessings
Doctrines of Salvation, Vol.2, p.76-77

 
You good sisters, who are single and alone, do not fear, do not feel that blessings are going to be withheld from you. You are not under any obligation or necessity of accepting some proposal that comes to you which is distasteful for fear you will come under condemnation. If in your hearts you feel that the gospel is true, and would under proper conditions receive these ordinances and sealing blessings in the temple of the Lord; and that is your faith and your hope and your desire, and that does not come to you now; the Lord will make it up, and you shall be blessed--for no blessing shall be withheld.

No woman will be condemned by the Lord for refusing to accept a proposal which she feels she could not properly accept. In my judgment it is far better for our good girls to refuse an offer of marriage when they think that the companionship of the man would be disagreeable, or if he is one they do not and believe they cannot learn to love.

My advice is to our girls, if you cannot find a husband who would be true to his religion and have faith in the gospel of our Lord, it is better to abide in "single blessedness." It is better to suffer some denial in mortal life and receive life everlasting than to lose your salvation in the kingdom of God. Remember the Lord will make up to you in joy and eternal union more than you have temporarily lost if you will be true and faithful. "If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men [and women] most miserable."