Dealing with Differences in Marriage

Readings in the Student Manual:

Recommended Readings:

Readings in this Page:

President Spencer W. Kimball
A Happy Marriage Requires Attitudes and Sacrifices
Marriage and Divorce, pp. 12-13

Some think of happiness as a glamorous life of ease, luxury, and constant thrills; but true marriage is based on a happiness that is more than that, one that comes from giving, serving, sharing, sacrificing, and selflessness.

Two people coming from different backgrounds soon learn after the ceremony is performed that stark reality must be faced. There is no longer a life of fantasy or of make-believe; we must come out of the clouds and put our feet firmly on the earth. Responsibility must be assumed and new duties must be accepted. Some personal freedoms must be relinquished and many adjustments, unselfish adjustments, must be made.

One comes to realize very soon after marriage that the spouse has weaknesses not previously revealed or discovered. The virtues that were constantly magnified during courtship now grow relatively smaller, and the weaknesses that seemed so small and insignificant during courtship now grow to sizeable proportions. The hour has come for understanding hearts, for self-appraisal, and for good common sense, reasoning, and planning. The habits of years now show themselves; the spouse may be stingy or prodigal, lazy or industrious, devout or irreligious, kind and cooperative or petulant and cross, demanding or giving, egotistical or self-effacing. The in-law problem comes closer into focus and the relationship of the spouses to them is again magnified.

Often there is an unwillingness to settle down and assume the heavy responsibilities that immediately are there. ... Little frictions pyramid into monumental ones. Frequently, spouses sinfully turn to old romances or take up new ones, and finally the seemingly inevitable break comes with a divorce, with its heartaches, bitterness, disillusionment, and always scars.

President Spencer W. Kimball
A Newly Wedded Couple Must Be Independent
Faith Precedes the Miracle, p. 146;  Ensign, March 1977, p.5

Some who marry never cut themselves loose from the apron strings of the parents. The Lord says through his prophets: "For this cause shall a man [or a woman] leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife [or husband], and they two shall be one flesh." (Ephesians 5:31.)

Parents who hold, direct, and dictate to their married children and draw them away from their spouses are likely to regret the possible tragedy. Accordingly, when two people marry, the spouse should become the confidant, the friend, the sharer of responsibility, and they two become independent. No one should come between the husband and wife, not even parents. ...

Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. The home may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it is an independent domicile. Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it.

President Spencer W. Kimball
Newly Married Individuals Must Change Their Lives
Marriage and Divorce, p. 19

Before marriage, each individual is quite free to go and come as he pleases, to organize and plan his life as it seems best; to make all decisions with self as the central point. Sweethearts should realize before they take the vows that each must accept literally and fully that the good of the new little family must always be superior to the good of either spouse. Each party must eliminate the "I" and the "my" and substitute therefore "we" and "our."

Every decision must take into consideration that now two or more are affected by it. As she approaches major decisions now, the wife will be concerned as to the effect they will have upon the parents, the children, the home, and their spiritual lives. The husband’s choice of occupation, his social life, his friends, his every interest must now be considered in the light that he is only a part of a family, that the totalness of the group must be considered.

Elder Cree-L Kofford
There Will Be Differences, But That's Normal
Ensign, July 1998

Being sealed in the temple is a great start, but it only works as long as you’re both totally obedient to the covenants you make. There isn’t anything about being sealed at the altar of the temple that will stop you from having disagreements on various aspects of your relationship, particularly in the early years.

You’ll face dozens of questions, as all of us who have been married before you have faced. Do you sleep with the window open or closed? Which kind of toothpaste will you use? How much is too much to pay for an item of clothing? What’s acceptable entertainment? And the list goes on and on.

Just know that the hundreds of thousands of us who have preceded you in marriage have gone through lists like yours. We’ve succeeded in resolving most of them and, in some cases, have agreed to disagree on others. But through it all, three things have been very clear to all of us who stand ahead of you in the line of marriage: we made a commitment to God, we made a commitment to each other, and we will keep those commitments.

I don’t mean to imply that being sealed in the temple doesn’t give you an edge. It definitely does! ... As you live the covenants, commitments, and promises you make, you will find that other matters simply tend to disappear.

One thing I can tell you with absolute certainty: whenever there is a difficulty between a husband and wife in their marriage relationship that is serious enough to threaten that relationship, one or the other (or both) is not living the gospel of Jesus Christ. That means that one or both of the marriage partners are not keeping the covenants, commitments, and promises they made at the altar of the temple. If you love God enough and follow His teachings, everything else will work out just fine and you will be blessed to find solutions.

If young people would resolve from the moment of their marriage, that from that time forth they would resolve and do everything in their power to please each other in things that are right, even to the sacrifice of their own pleasures, their own appetites, their own desires, the problem of adjustment in married life would take care of itself, and their home would indeed be a happy home. Great love is built on great sacrifice, and that home where the principle of sacrifice for the welfare of each other is daily expressed is that home where there abides a great love.

President Gordon B. Hinckley
Abuse is Sin
Conference Report, October 1996

Unfortunately a few of you may be married to men who are abusive. Some of them put on a fine face before the world during the day and come home in the evening, set aside their self-discipline, and on the slightest provocation fly into outbursts of anger.

No man who engages in such evil and unbecoming behavior is worthy of the priesthood of God. No man who so conducts himself is worthy of the privileges of the house of the Lord. I regret that there are some men undeserving of the love of their wives and children. There are children who fear their fathers, and wives who fear their husbands. If there be any such men within the hearing of my voice, as a servant of the Lord I rebuke you and call you to repentance. Discipline yourselves. Master your temper. Most of the things that make you angry are of very small consequence. And what a terrible price you are paying for your anger. Ask the Lord to forgive you. Ask your wife to forgive you. Apologize to your children.

Questions for Review:

1. What should we say to ourselves when we have an occasional "miserable" day? (President Boyd K. Packer; Solving Emotional Problems in the Lord's Own Way)

2. What did Pres. Packer identify as a "sustaining power in the Church"? (President Boyd K. Packer; Solving Emotional Problems in the Lord's Own Way)

3. According to President Spencer W. Kimball, happiness in marriage comes from ............ (President Spencer W. Kimball; in "A Happy Marriage Requires Attitudes and Sacrifices")

4. What are some of the sacrifices necessary for a happy marriage? (President Spencer W. Kimball; in "A Happy Marriage Requires Attitudes and Sacrifices")

5. What is one to do when the unknown weaknesses of a spouse begins to appear? (President Spencer W. Kimball)

6. What thought must be kept in mind when a couple faces major differences of opinions, tastes, and behaviors?  (Elder Cree-L Kofford)